TOP 10 REASONS WHY I REALLY NEED A GIRLFRIEND

10. So I can stop going to the gym

I hate exercising. I hate exercising more than Biff Tannin hates manure. I hate it more than Bieber fans hate that spanish chick. I hate it more than the whole world hates Chris Carrabba. If having a girlfriend means that she likes me for me not because I look like Tyson Beckford, then it also means I can say goodbye to my NordicTrack and John Basedow videos. Arby's, here I come.

9. So I can stop buying drinks for girls who aren't going to bang me

I've spent countless late nights at bars trying to force feed girls drinks so that they would eventually succumb to sleeping with me. Low and behold, by the time the bars close, my wallet's empty and some other dude is knee deep in my should-be broad, essentially making me the real life equivalent of a fluffer. It's like when the guy after you gets the Twix you paid for that was stuck in the vending machine. If I had a girlfriend, I'd hopefully be catching more action and have a much higher ROI.

8. So my parents stop thinking I'm gay

I originally told them I was gay so they would stop talking to me. That, however, has not stopped the daily calls asking me when I am going to find a nice Jewish girl. These calls need to stop.





7. So someone can listen to me complain and have to pretend to care

Without a girlfriend I have no one to complain to. I have so much to bitch about and someone must be obligated to tolerate it. Sure, my imaginary, yet still homely, girlfriend as well as my Real Doll, Jenny, are good listeners but all their advice is terrible and when we have make up sex, they just lie there. And yeah, I have the hatelist, but not nobody cares. Nobody even comes. When they do, they sit and laugh at my sexual misfortunes and shortcomings assuming that its all exaggeration and hyperbole. Well for the record, its not. It is that small, I am that quick, and someone needs to pretend to care.

6. To give my right hand a much needed break

Let's just say that if porn were crack, I'd make Whitney Houston look like Corey Mathews. The fact that my computer is essentially just a jerk-off machine is exceeded in pathetic-ness only by the inscrutable pain in my tendons and related slump in my COD and Halo scores.

5. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of me when I am sick

It would be like living with my mom except I get to have sex with her. No, wait. It's exactly like living with my mom. You can take that to mean that either my girlfriend would permanently withhold sex from me, or that I'm boning my mother.



4. To give me new reasons to hate women so I can blog about them

Women actively avoid me to the point where all I really have to go on for material is romcoms, the non-sexual interactions in porn, The Lifetime network, Hallmark cards, Axe Body Spray commercials and internet forums. Just imagine where I think babies come from.



3. So other girls will notice me

Having a girlfriend is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you're not a homo; boyfriend guys seems more stable; people see the girlfriend, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; when ladies see her, they know immediately you must have some cash or your cock must work.

2. So I can show naked pictures of her to my friends

This is just so my friends don't think I'm gay. Besides, Jenny isn't very photogenic.

1. So I don't think I'm gay


I think it moved.

HATE #67: HOMELESS PEOPLE

I've had enough of people's sympathy for the homeless. It's not that I don't care about them, which I don't, it's that they aren't worthy of sympathy. Quite the contrary. Homeless people have the best lives out of anyone I know. Think about it. They sleep until about noon, get a 40oz of Old E and brown-bag it outside until it's time to tan for a bit while taking a nap. Then they wake up, go get some free grub and a new pair of pants at a soup kitchen and it's back to boozing and another night of exciting hobo adventures with mole people on a freight train or something. Need money? No problem. They just stick out their hand and poof, people just give it to them. If anything, people should feel bad for me.

I wake up everyday and it's still dark outside. Then I slam myself into a subway car with a million other miserable souls to sit at a desk and hate my life for 12 hours until I get to go home to my rundown, crummy little apartment, microwave a lean cuisine and jerk-off before crying myself to sleep with a box of Franzia. Why am I stuck in a seemingly endless marketing meeting while they have an adventure in an abandoned warehouse? My wardrobe consists of Jncos and Big Dog tees, why isn't anyone donating their old clothes to me? I followed all the rules and slacker hobos get to live the dream while I have to suffer the pains of Sunday morning brunch, paying cable bills and sitting in the middle seat on an airplane. We both wake up every morning hungover and alone, and yet they get all the sympathy. So next time you are feeling charitable, think about who really has it worse: the smelly, unkempt man with absolute freedom, or the smelly, unkempt man who was forced to watch a marathon of Gilmore Girls reruns and Activia commercials by a girl who's probably not going to fuck him.

Honorable Mention: The homeless barbershop quartets. What's that about?

HATE #66: LEGO VIDEOGAMES

I'm not sure which aspect of these Lego games angers me more, the fact that kids want to play them or that they are even in production at all. Maybe kids could actually play with Legos instead of simply playing a video game featuring Legos. It makes as much sense to me as Rubik's Cube videogame or a virtual sandcastle building game. I just don't understand it. And when there are toys and trends like these that I cant understand, it make me feel as old as my balls look. That in turn gets me thinking about how little I've done with my life and how much time I've wasted watching Law and Order reruns.

Furthermore, I just don't see how adding Legos to a regular game makes it any more fun. Lego Rock Band? Lego Indiana Jones? Lego Batman? Lego Requiem for a Dream? Lego Brokeback Mountain ? Honestly, I'd rather play with a Hess Truck or a Ferbie. I'd rather play The Real Housewives version of Monopoly. I'd rather play a game of chess. I actually can't even think of a type of game that would be worse, other than some sort of virtual one night stand with me. That is unless they came out with a Lego virtual one night stand with me. Hurry, press X to make him go soft and Y to make him cry! Uh oh, the girl is telling all her friends. Game Over.

Quick, someone get my agent on the phone.

Honorable Mention: That my mother wouldn't let me play with Creepy Crawlers: I remember being 6 years old begging my mother for Creepy cCrawlers and her always refusing to buy them for me. Even after, in my most coherent argument to this day, I tried to explain to her that an Easy-Bake Oven, designed for 5-year-old girls, was essentially the same thing. 10 months after that, I burned down my neighbors house and we never spoke of it again. But she still wouldn't buy me Coco Crispies, which was total bullshit

TOP 10 THINGS GIRLS THINK ARE CUTE, BUT AREN'T: Part II

Also be sure to check out Part I: Top 10 Things Girls Thnk Are Cute, But Aren't

10. Pretending They Play Guitar
Jeez, face it, you're about as deep as a puddle and faker than the grill lines on Subway chicken and all the videos on the internet combined. Why don’t you just say what you really mean, “I don’t want to spend my time actually learning an instrument, nor do I have anything of substance to write about. I just want to dress like a musician and tag pictures to Facebook of me with a guitar." Amiright? And you can't sing either.

9. The Girlfriend Phone Voice

A girl will call you up and start whining in her baby-talk voice thing or whatever she does. Meanwhile, you’re just sitting in a room with four other dudes speaking like an adult, or at least a bro, trying to figure out how to get her to stop. No, you're shmoopee.

8. Eating Disorders

In this life I've come to learn that 100% of women have eating disorders. I've actually heard women say both of the following statements: "I wish I had AIDS so I’d lose some of the baby fat from my cheeks" and "Can you, like, punch me in the face so I have to get my jaw wired shut and can't eat anything." I know the concept of actually going to the gym and working out seems like a whole "to-do" but, um, I don't really remember what my point was going to be. Come to think of it, I actually don't know why this is on here. Eating disorders are awesome. Skinnier girls who get drunk easily? Don't mind if I do.

7. Acting Like a Slut, but Actually Being a Prude
This is just blatant false advertising and should be against the law. It’s like seeing the picture of the Big Mac on the menu, but when you order it and open the box, it won’t have sex with you. This girl comes in a variety of forms including the infamous make-out slut, attention whore and the cock-tease. The inverse, however, acting like a prude, but actually being a slut, is just as bad. Stop playing hard to get, we both know you’re a whore, so let’s cut the BS and save some time here. Boy Meets World comes on at 7:00am and I can't miss it or I'll be out of the loop on the season's storyline.

6. Uncomfortable Shoes

Let's get something straight here. I don't want you to be taller than me. I don't care which designer hand crafted your shoes in the mountains of Tuscany. I would really just love for you to stop telling me your feet hurt. I was actually going to wear my ice skates out to the bars tonight, but I ultimately chose not to because it isn't a very practical form of footwear to be standing in at a nightclub all night. Also, lets get another thing straight. Heels don't make your legs less fat. Not eating 27 fun size peanut butter cups while watching Glee makes your legs less fat. I take that back. Those special Skechers Shape-Up shoes might make your legs look less fat, but I'm not so convinced that they really do anything other than look like retard shoes. On the plus side though, heals do make it harder for her to run away. Note: No go on the uggz either; that's the other extreme.

5. Urban Outfitters

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jspitemdescription=true&itemCount=80&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=19906387&parentid=W_APP_TEES_GRAPHIC&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition,+product.marketingPriority&navCount=135&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_TEES_GRAPHIC&popId=W_TOPS&prepushId=&selectedProductSize=

Enough said.

4. Guys With Bigger Dicks Than Me

It’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s how hard I’m going to effing slap you if you don't stop laughing.

3. Half Birthdays

What a joke. This holiday is celebrated by the self-proclaimed centers of attention as their own monument to importance. Not only do I have to tolerate your egocentric existence, but now I am supposed to help you embrace it as you unjustly dedicate a day to yourself? I don't think so… unless there’s cake. Oh, and I didn’t get you anything.

2. Putting Clothing on Things that Shouldn't Have Any Clothing

Women insist upon putting clothing on everything, especially things that don't require it. Dog sweaters, duvet covers, drapes, tissue box covers, furry toilet seat covers, wallpaper, area rugs, table clothes, book covers, bras, furniture slipcovers, the curtain that goes on the outside of the other shower curtain, dining chair seat covers, appliance covers and condoms are just a few of the superfluous garments women have created because they think they look cute. None of these items should exist. Girls themselves shouldn't even have clothing on them.

1. The Peace Sign

Another fad imported from Asia. It's like Pokémon, only less cute. Sticking up 2 fingers is cute? Just because you're dad made you listen to The Beatles in the car when you were 3 and now you smoke pot, doesn't mean you understand the 60's. The peace sign is only 3 fingers short of a hand job, which means it's 3 fingers less cute than a bad case of blue balls, a chafed shaft and a lost opportunity to sleep.

Also be sure to check out Part I: Top 10 Things Girls Thnk Are Cute, But Aren't