Top 10 Things Girls think Are Cute, But Aren't

10. Anything Miniaturized

In order to cram all of the things a girl's cuteness radar is wrong about, it was imperative to keep the itemized list titles somewhat broad in nature. Anything Miniature encompasses a great deal of not cute things that women go crazy for. It's hard to imagine what girls think is so cute about a baby. They shit everywhere, cost a lot of money, and make really shitty drinking partners. Sounds awesome. Of course, the downside of a vague category is the inevitable exception or two. The two areas this rule does not apply to are cocks and jewelry.


9. Short Hair

There are any number of devastating, sex-preventing bombs a women can drop on your average unsuspecting male. Expressions like, "I'm on my period," "I can't leave my friends," "I don't do that," and "'Mad About You' is on" are just a few of them. But the worst thing she can say to you is, "I'm cutting my hair short." It's a toss up between that and "It's your baby." Either way they both leave you with that feeling deep in your stomach. You know, the one where you briefly consider killing her. Anyways, I don't know why the homosexuals on those fashion shows have been telling her short hair is in right now, or is going to be in. Bullshit, short hair is never in. There is nothing cute about sexual ambiguity. The last thing I want is the girl I'm banging to have the same haircut as Matt Damon In "Rounders."


8. The 1980's

Girls will look for any excuse to dress up in 80s attire they consider cute. Something about shoulder pads, spandex, and neon colors just gets them in such a craze. Plus, there are leg warmers and arms warmers and all other sorts of warmers. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, though, is without a doubt the crunchy hair. None of this stuff is cute, but girls seem to think it is. It might have something to do with overweight girls thinking they'll being able to hide it by wearing loose-fitting sweatshirts with the collars cut.


7. Big Sunglasses

It's not so much that the big sunglasses aren't sexy as much as it is girls using it as a crutch to aide their mediocre looks, like a toupee for their face. They've got to know that at some point, the glasses are going to have to come off to expose their true form. And they inevitably do.


6. Adding Extra Letters to Things/Abbreviating/Spelling Things Differently/Text Faces

Heyyyyyyyy, Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Happy Birthdayyyyyyy, Obvi, OMG, Kewl, :) , . These are just a few of the literary weapons women have in their arsenal to try to appear cute. Well, Sorryyyyyyy, not cute.








5. Dancing on the Bar

I'm not going to stand here and pretend to tell you that I don't enjoy watching sexy girls dance. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that's the reason I cut holes in my pockets. But after 30 minutes of desperately trying to get my penis the opportunity to tickle some meat curtains with unanimous rejections, I am going to need a drink. And it's impossible for me to get said drink with some gross skank stomping around the bar like Peewee Herman thinking she works in "Coyote Ugly." Are you going to jump off that bar and grind on me? Are you going to stumble out of this bar and make out with me on that bench over there? Are you going to go down into the subway with me and wait 30 minutes for the train to come because I'm too cheep to pay for a cab? No? Then stop shaking your shit in my face, I find it both very distracting and very not cute. Note: If the girl is dancing like Peewee Herman while the song "Tequila" is playing, you grab that girl that girl off the bar and marry her as soon as possible. Those girls only come around once in a lifetime.


4. Reading "Harry Potter" Books

People may want to argue this one, but I stand by it. However, to clarify, it is not the actual reading of the "Harry Potter" books that girls think is cute. It goes a tad deeper than that. It's a different kind of a girl and a different kind of not cute. She will parade around campus with this book under her arm, not in her bag, so people can see that she's reading it. She's waiting for you to ask her about it so she can pounce at you with a response like, "I know, I'm such nerd," or "The book was better than the movie." Her plan is probably to have a guy think to themselves, "Man she's really sexy and really smart. She must be the perfect catch!" Well, we don't, you're not, and this whole little scheme you've got brewing here is certainly not cute. This might be the same for "Twilight" as well, but I don't have a good enough grasp on this whole vampire thing yet to make the call.


3. Apple Martinis

Apple Martinis are not cute for the same reason your $300 jeans and $700 shoes aren't cute. It seems that women love to overpay for crappier things. And in all actuality that's fine, but it's just not cute. So sit there with your three girlfriends arguing over which characters from "Sex and the City" you'd be while only stopping to make fun what of every other girl at the bar is wearing as they walk by. This will also include the girl who perpetually orders a Corona at the bar by your Northeast liberal arts school. That is certainly not cute either.


2. Pouting

This is not cute. It's partially men's fault for letting you think pouting is cute because we will do almost anything to get you to stop throwing your fit. So you can sit there in the old T-shirt you thought was clean that I actually wore to the gym two days ago and make that face. I'll appease you either because I want to have sex with you or because I really just don't feel like arguing with you and your insane women logic right now.


1. Uggs

Oh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times. It's never looked so strange. The faces, so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless... a bastard child, perhaps. My back aches... my heart aches... but my feet... my feet are resilient! Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my Metallic Classic Short Ugg Boots! Not even a "Seinfeld" reference can make these boots cute.




Honorable Mentions: Gay best friends, Mini Coopers, ice coffee, hand jobs, throw pillows, animal clothing, those dresses made out of towels that make all women look pregnant, and tube tops.