Top 10 Stupidest Things Girls Like

10. Astrology

Not to be confused with astronomy or any other actual science, astrology is the belief that the relative positions of the celestial bodies can provide useful information and insight into an individual's personality and affairs. If this seems somewhat strange or illogical to you, then you are clearly not a woman. Second to only a yappy best friend, astrology is the highest scientific authority in the world of women. Women religiously read their horoscopes in highly respected scientific journals such as Cosmopolitan, Elle, and Glamour. They are generally published in the section right after "104 ways to make him notice you." These columns are written by the world's leading astrologers, also known as women about to turn 40 who are still single. It's not their fault, though. As a Pisces, her typical sexual attraction with Libras always leaves her in a relationship with a Gemini who can't commit until the moon is realigned with Mercury... and I bet she has several cats.


9. Making T-Shirts

Whenever a bunch of girls get together to do some stupid activity, they will undoubtedly have to make stupid T-shirts to go with it. Kind of like if you give a mouse a cookie. Generally, airbrushed or tie-dyed with the event, year, and hysterical nickname printed on the back, these shirts strictly adhere to the female mantra of "waste time, make crafts." Also, they may or may not include graduation dates, sorority letters, or a corny acronym made up of the first letters of all their names. However, at least these shirts do not really require any effort on my behalf other than the standard mandatory compliments, presumably about how clever the nickname Julie made up is.


8. Brunch

Why would I want to sleep in and watch football on Sunday when I can accompany you to some trendy, upscale bistro, pay out my ass for an omelet while you and your friends argue over which one of your not-present friends is a bigger slut. In all seriousness, though, did you see that top she was wearing? I mean, no wonder she only attracts creeps. It's like sitting through a real life version of "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I could easily see this being number one, but hey, at least you get to drink.


7. Painting Their Own Pottery

This is the place where 6 year olds, hippies, and gay dudes choose from an array of pre-made pottery to paint themselves. That's pretty much it. I don't think I could come up with a stupider idea for a store if I tried, so naturally women love it. To complement this stupid concept, these establishments usually have equally stupid names such as "Little Shop of Plaster." The place is generally patronized by women who think they are creative, artistic, and cultured, but who are too unoriginal, uninsightful, and boring to actually create anything. I was once dragged into a place like this. The women working there could tell I was looking for something sharp to stab myself with. So she walked over and said, "You should come back for adult night on Thursdays. It's really fun! We allow you to bring your own wine." Enough said.


6. Trendy Yogurt Places

Pinkberry, Tasti D Lite, and Red Mango are just a few of the seemingly hundreds of places that serve up fake, sour, non-ice cream that women are oddly obsessed with.

5. Anything Organic

In theory, organic food simply means that no preservatives, hormones, or unnatural chemicals went into its creation. To a woman, it implies something entirely different. Because organic foods are more expensive, women automatically assume they are healthier, and healthier foods of course, are low calorie. This typical warped sense of female logic in combination with the allure of being seen shopping at Whole Foods makes organic foods both very stupid and very desirable to women. In actuality, I think organic really just means the same shitty fruit for twice the price.

4. Street Fairs/Farmers Markets

One of the more painful weapons women use to make Saturdays disappear. Girls love walking for two miles in search of the best athletic socks, Looneytoon T-shirts, macaroni jewelry, gyros, "vintage" street signs, and amateur watercolor artwork. They can't get enough. But be careful, as soon as you suggest that they should instead just raid a third grader's locker for free, they get all pissy until you buy them $7 drink served out of a mango or, you guessed it, a trendy frozen yogurt.

3. Greeting Cards

The only thing girls love more than you telling them a whole mess of insincere and corny, heartfelt bullshit you stole from a shitty romantic comedy you didn't tell anyone you watched Sunday afternoon, is getting it in writing.

2. Ethnic Restaurants

Foreign cuisine is delicious. Both women and men can come together in loving harmony to enjoy the traditional favorites such as Italian, Mexican, and Chinese. However, the conventional foreign foods soon weren't cool, hip, or exotic enough for women. It slowly escalated from Chinese to Japanese to Vietnamese all the way around the Pacific Rim. They've now moved onto obscure ethnic foods from countries that really have no business operating a restaurant. They want to go out to that new Ethiopian place downtown. It's cool because the inside of it looks like a mud hut. A country that is filled with nothing but starving people is now sponsoring their own cuisine. After that maybe we can go to a gallery of paintings made by the blind.

1. Reality Television

What's more pathetic than a bunch of washed up celebrities begging for money or desperate nobodies trying to get their 15 minutes of fame? The stupid girls that watch them every week and on day-long marathons on the weekend. You tell me who is watching these shows:

"Is She Really Going out With Him?," "Temptation Island," "Real Housewives of Orange County," "Real World Road Rules Challenge 23," "My Super Sweet 16," "America's Next Top Model," "Project Runway," "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List," "Farmer Wants a Wife," "Keeping up With the Kardashians," "My Dad is Better Thank Your Dad," "Tori and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood," "Dance Your Ass Off: Dancing off the Pounds," "Shear Genius," "Tila Tequila," "Brook Hogan Knows Best," "Sunset Tan," "The Hills," "Celebrity Fit Club 15," "I Love New York," "Scott Bayo is 40 and Single," "Paris Hilton's New BFF," "16 and Pregnant," "House of Jazmin," "Teen Cribs," "NYC Prep."

Honorable Mentions:

Bed Bath and Beyond, any celebrity, The Container Store, "Sex and the City," tabloids, Smirnoff Ice, little dogs, Hallmark, "7th Heaven," uncomfortable shoes, guidos, dancersize classes, getting their fortune told, and any sort of museum.

Also check out: The Stupidest Things Girls Like: Part II