TOP 10 THINGS GIRLS THINK ARE CUTE, BUT AREN'T: Part II

Also be sure to check out Part I: Top 10 Things Girls Thnk Are Cute, But Aren't

10. Pretending They Play Guitar
Jeez, face it, you're about as deep as a puddle and faker than the grill lines on Subway chicken and all the videos on the internet combined. Why don’t you just say what you really mean, “I don’t want to spend my time actually learning an instrument, nor do I have anything of substance to write about. I just want to dress like a musician and tag pictures to Facebook of me with a guitar." Amiright? And you can't sing either.

9. The Girlfriend Phone Voice

A girl will call you up and start whining in her baby-talk voice thing or whatever she does. Meanwhile, you’re just sitting in a room with four other dudes speaking like an adult, or at least a bro, trying to figure out how to get her to stop. No, you're shmoopee.

8. Eating Disorders

In this life I've come to learn that 100% of women have eating disorders. I've actually heard women say both of the following statements: "I wish I had AIDS so I’d lose some of the baby fat from my cheeks" and "Can you, like, punch me in the face so I have to get my jaw wired shut and can't eat anything." I know the concept of actually going to the gym and working out seems like a whole "to-do" but, um, I don't really remember what my point was going to be. Come to think of it, I actually don't know why this is on here. Eating disorders are awesome. Skinnier girls who get drunk easily? Don't mind if I do.

7. Acting Like a Slut, but Actually Being a Prude
This is just blatant false advertising and should be against the law. It’s like seeing the picture of the Big Mac on the menu, but when you order it and open the box, it won’t have sex with you. This girl comes in a variety of forms including the infamous make-out slut, attention whore and the cock-tease. The inverse, however, acting like a prude, but actually being a slut, is just as bad. Stop playing hard to get, we both know you’re a whore, so let’s cut the BS and save some time here. Boy Meets World comes on at 7:00am and I can't miss it or I'll be out of the loop on the season's storyline.

6. Uncomfortable Shoes

Let's get something straight here. I don't want you to be taller than me. I don't care which designer hand crafted your shoes in the mountains of Tuscany. I would really just love for you to stop telling me your feet hurt. I was actually going to wear my ice skates out to the bars tonight, but I ultimately chose not to because it isn't a very practical form of footwear to be standing in at a nightclub all night. Also, lets get another thing straight. Heels don't make your legs less fat. Not eating 27 fun size peanut butter cups while watching Glee makes your legs less fat. I take that back. Those special Skechers Shape-Up shoes might make your legs look less fat, but I'm not so convinced that they really do anything other than look like retard shoes. On the plus side though, heals do make it harder for her to run away. Note: No go on the uggz either; that's the other extreme.

5. Urban Outfitters

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jspitemdescription=true&itemCount=80&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=19906387&parentid=W_APP_TEES_GRAPHIC&sortProperties=+subCategoryPosition,+product.marketingPriority&navCount=135&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_TEES_GRAPHIC&popId=W_TOPS&prepushId=&selectedProductSize=

Enough said.

4. Guys With Bigger Dicks Than Me

It’s not the size of the boat that matters, it’s how hard I’m going to effing slap you if you don't stop laughing.

3. Half Birthdays

What a joke. This holiday is celebrated by the self-proclaimed centers of attention as their own monument to importance. Not only do I have to tolerate your egocentric existence, but now I am supposed to help you embrace it as you unjustly dedicate a day to yourself? I don't think so… unless there’s cake. Oh, and I didn’t get you anything.

2. Putting Clothing on Things that Shouldn't Have Any Clothing

Women insist upon putting clothing on everything, especially things that don't require it. Dog sweaters, duvet covers, drapes, tissue box covers, furry toilet seat covers, wallpaper, area rugs, table clothes, book covers, bras, furniture slipcovers, the curtain that goes on the outside of the other shower curtain, dining chair seat covers, appliance covers and condoms are just a few of the superfluous garments women have created because they think they look cute. None of these items should exist. Girls themselves shouldn't even have clothing on them.

1. The Peace Sign

Another fad imported from Asia. It's like Pokémon, only less cute. Sticking up 2 fingers is cute? Just because you're dad made you listen to The Beatles in the car when you were 3 and now you smoke pot, doesn't mean you understand the 60's. The peace sign is only 3 fingers short of a hand job, which means it's 3 fingers less cute than a bad case of blue balls, a chafed shaft and a lost opportunity to sleep.

Also be sure to check out Part I: Top 10 Things Girls Thnk Are Cute, But Aren't