TOP 10 REASONS WHY I REALLY NEED A GIRLFRIEND

10. So I can stop going to the gym

I hate exercising. I hate exercising more than Biff Tannin hates manure. I hate it more than Bieber fans hate that spanish chick. I hate it more than the whole world hates Chris Carrabba. If having a girlfriend means that she likes me for me not because I look like Tyson Beckford, then it also means I can say goodbye to my NordicTrack and John Basedow videos. Arby's, here I come.

9. So I can stop buying drinks for girls who aren't going to bang me

I've spent countless late nights at bars trying to force feed girls drinks so that they would eventually succumb to sleeping with me. Low and behold, by the time the bars close, my wallet's empty and some other dude is knee deep in my should-be broad, essentially making me the real life equivalent of a fluffer. It's like when the guy after you gets the Twix you paid for that was stuck in the vending machine. If I had a girlfriend, I'd hopefully be catching more action and have a much higher ROI.

8. So my parents stop thinking I'm gay

I originally told them I was gay so they would stop talking to me. That, however, has not stopped the daily calls asking me when I am going to find a nice Jewish girl. These calls need to stop.





7. So someone can listen to me complain and have to pretend to care

Without a girlfriend I have no one to complain to. I have so much to bitch about and someone must be obligated to tolerate it. Sure, my imaginary, yet still homely, girlfriend as well as my Real Doll, Jenny, are good listeners but all their advice is terrible and when we have make up sex, they just lie there. And yeah, I have the hatelist, but not nobody cares. Nobody even comes. When they do, they sit and laugh at my sexual misfortunes and shortcomings assuming that its all exaggeration and hyperbole. Well for the record, its not. It is that small, I am that quick, and someone needs to pretend to care.

6. To give my right hand a much needed break

Let's just say that if porn were crack, I'd make Whitney Houston look like Corey Mathews. The fact that my computer is essentially just a jerk-off machine is exceeded in pathetic-ness only by the inscrutable pain in my tendons and related slump in my COD and Halo scores.

5. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of me when I am sick

It would be like living with my mom except I get to have sex with her. No, wait. It's exactly like living with my mom. You can take that to mean that either my girlfriend would permanently withhold sex from me, or that I'm boning my mother.



4. To give me new reasons to hate women so I can blog about them

Women actively avoid me to the point where all I really have to go on for material is romcoms, the non-sexual interactions in porn, The Lifetime network, Hallmark cards, Axe Body Spray commercials and internet forums. Just imagine where I think babies come from.



3. So other girls will notice me

Having a girlfriend is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you're not a homo; boyfriend guys seems more stable; people see the girlfriend, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; when ladies see her, they know immediately you must have some cash or your cock must work.

2. So I can show naked pictures of her to my friends

This is just so my friends don't think I'm gay. Besides, Jenny isn't very photogenic.

1. So I don't think I'm gay


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